ROBERT said: A poem is a poem is a poem is a ragbag.

Description of Robert:

Nature of statement: exploratory-aggressive.

Samuel said: Crap.

Description of Samuel: large.
Description of description: pithier.
Nature of reply: somewhat obscene.

Robert said: A poem is a poem is a poem is crap.

Tone of remark: unconvincingly flippant.
Expression on Robert's face: baulked-abashed.

Samuel said: Agreed.

Tone of reply: sharp.
Purpose of reply: to end conversation, and to secure a modicum of peace in which he might be enabled to concentrate upon the effort of leaning out of the window to observe the hour of day indicated by the clock on the tower of Their Lady of the Assumption in Rathmines, suburb of Dublin.

Samuel said: If I fall out of this window, Robert, you are to inform the nearest Garda immediately.

Robert said: Time to eat.

Nature of remark: gluttonous; indicative öf hyperfunction of digestive organs.

Samuel said: You're always byourlady hungry!
Tone of reply: half bitter, half abusive.

Robert said: The trouble with our arrangement that you cook and I washup is that you are always the prime mover-I can neither eat nor fulfil my half of the arrangement until you have fulfilled yours; which you do with neither punctuality nor regularity nor seemliness.

Verity of latter part of foregoing statement: none.
Grammatical felicity of latter part of ditto: doubtful.

Samuel said: Balderdash!

Nature of remark: deliberately archaic, with superior class overtones.

Samuel continued: I am a very fine cook, and you are very well satisfied with the arrangement. You would else be sustained by bread, milk, and cheese.

Slight literary influence on last sentence: William Shakespeare (decd.).

Samuel said: At the moment, in any case, I am thinking of an altogether different sort of prime movement.

Robert said: If you're not quick you're dead.

Escape at last: Samuel thudded down the stairs to the lavatory.
Nature of lavatory: tending to the primitive.
Explanatory retrospect: By a careful and systematic exploitation of the auditory sense, Samuel had struck up an acquaintanceship with the Irishgirl who occupied the basement room immediately below the abovementioned lavatory.
Name of Irishgirl: Miss Deane.
Posited nature of acquaintanceship: incipiently amatory.
Degree of success met mith: encouraging.
Plotting and acting: The place bringing Samuel inevitably to mind of its associated female sub-tenant, he began to plan the next stage of his campaign for the conquest of Miss Deane. After cursory thought he decided on direct assault of a literary nature: he would write an unequivocal poem to Miss Deane. In ten minutes he had created his poem and written it, on a page left conveniently blank by the aforesaid James Joyce, with a pencil expressly carried for such a purpose.
Type of pencil employed: black, graphite, stubby, of the 2H quality of durity.
Title of poem: "Ode to a Basement Lodger".
Foul paper copy of poem:

Dashing of hopes of the Filthy-Minded: "Foul-papers" were manuscripts originally so-called by hard-pressed printers.
Ascnsion: In which Samuel and stairs were inseparably conjoined.
Manner of his going: selfpleased, anticipatory.
Pride in achievement: Joyfully, he announced to Robert the crystallization of the latest stage of his campaign, and read the poem to him.

Robert said: Crap is crap is crap is crap!

Situation outlined: Samuel sat patiently on the steps leading down to the garden.
Purpose of sojourn: to keep a rendezvous with the Miss Deane mentioned above, before the asterisks conventionally implied that time had elapsed.
Type of steps: of the steeply-inclined variety, rough timber construction, treated two coats of creosote (cheap quality).
Horticultural description ofgarden: splendid crops of woundwort and teazel, bindweed and eyebright, sowthistle and coltsfoot, agrimony and heartsease, catseye and goatsbeard, chickweed and toadflax, dandelions and viper's bugloss, dock and thyme, marjoram and sneezewort, silverweed and vervain, matricary and pignut, byrony and burnet, cinquefoil and fleabane, keck and loosestrife, nipplewort and navelwort, yarrow and oxeye; at the end of the garden three mullein raised their proud yellow columns four feet above the earth.
Note: the foregoing is botanically improbable, to say the least.
Non-horticultural aspects of garden: DUSTBINSandtinskipperboneseggshellsboxescheeselemonandorangepeel sweetwrapperspapertowelscorrugatedironbrokenbricksstoutbottlesslimbottles toenailcuttingsrasherrindpuffkinpacketsnewspapersoldpapersragspostcardsburnt toastglueandsoinfinitelyon scattered amongst the abovementioned herbaceous vegetation; clothes, drying on a line, none of an intimately female character.
Other participants in the rendezvous: two small Irishcats; wild; grey and black respectively.
Unusual knowledge: Samuel was waiting for Miss Deane to finish her lunch. He knew that she would have done this when a trickle of dirty washingupwater ran along the rut to his right into the drain at the foot of the steps upon which he was sitting. He was reading his stepsbook.
Title of Samuel's stepsbook: one of the SPEAK TO ME, FATHER, ABOUT… series, entitled . . . HELL.
Reward for patience: Samuel had just decided that Hell, as described by Father, was a most interesting place, well worth the day trip, when a gurgle from the drain informed him of the imminent approach of Miss Deane. It could not be said, unfortunately, that the concinnation of Miss Deane was of the highest order.
Dictionary definition of "concinnation": sb. Now rare; 17th C.; (f. Lat. concinnat—, concinnare, neatly put together). The state of having been fitly put together.
Explanation of dictionary definition: sb.=substantive; C.= century; f.=from; Lat.=Latin.
Description of Miss Deane:

Tone of address: theatrical enrapture.

Quality of joke: poor in the extreme.
Nature of Samuel's laughter: forced, histrionic.
Purpose of joke and laughter: to establish an atmosphere of pleasantry in which serious questions of a sensual nature could be posed with the minimum of offence.
Reaction of Miss Deane to joke: simple pleasure.

Miss Deane's thoughts: He's rather nice a bit flabby though must like his food I'd feed him all right wouldn't I would he keep me though you never know with college students there was that one the theological young one you'd never have thought it he was worse than although they do say but I promised myself I'd forget that now it's over four years ago a Jesuit too this one reminds me of him in some ways nice eyes and hair he has full lips too not a very interesting face on the whole still a girl can't pick and choose very much what with all the men emigrating but I'll never unless he becomes a Catholic and confesses it decently like everyone else and promises to marry me and keep me and the children children oh that's awful no nice the children must be Catholics Father taught me that can't remember how early must be very careful as he's not a Catholic.

Miss Deane said: Have you heard anything from the Man Up There? That's your answer!

Biological Note: the female will instinctively tend to ensure economic provision against the birth of issue before committing herself to the act in which such issue may be procreated; in Miss Dean's case, such economic reflexes were inseparable from religious conformity, and therefore her religious question masked the economic one.

Samual said: No, being interested only in the women down here. But I have been trying to see if either can manage a message.

Nature of visible proof provided: the stepsbook mentioned earlier, in which Father attempted to speak to him about . . . HELL.

Miss Deane said: Pah!

Accompanying physical reaction: Miss Deane turned and walked away. Speed of rotary motion: approximately 14.0 r.p.m (±0.5).
Distance walked: a comfortably revocable three-and-a-half yards.

Samuel said: But Miss Deane, I adore you!

Nature of cry: theatrical-passionate.
Purpose of cry: to appeal to Miss Dean's romantic instincts.
Result of cry: momentary hesitation on part of Miss Deane.
Victory prematurely assumed: Samuel grinned, triumphantly.
Result of grin: abrupt departure of Miss Deane.

Samuel said: So, all I've got to do is to become a convert and send my prayers for Miss Deane care of the Virgin Mary.

Position of Samuel: inert, upon a short sofa, his legs dangling over the end.
Physical state of Samuel: too lazy to do anything about physical discomfort.

Robert said: You must experience a kind of apocalyptic fit; in fact.

Position of Robert: inert, upon a bed.
Short-term lessee of bed: Samuel Samuel, tenant of the first part.
Physical state of Robert: comfortable.
Occupation of Robert: consuming cheese.
Nature of cheese: of the Irish Co-operative Dairies processed brand, orange in colour, solid in texture, the pound 2/9d.

Samuel said: You know what she told me today? We were very late back from this dance last night, and I asked her if she had slept well. Yes, she said, she was so tired she nearly fell asleep saying her prayers! I was very proud indeed of my constraint of the ensuing risibility.

Literary influence on last sentence: Samuel Johnson, bookseller's son, of Lichfield.

Robert said: Well, what do you expect if you send the girl verse invitations to concupiscence? She'll assume at once that you have money and could therefore raise her class status, so she'll hold out for marriage. For Christ's sake, the girl doesn't know a trochee from the Trocadero!

Purpose of last remark: to use up a witticism Robert had saved up for some years, awaiting only a suitable occasion upon which to use it.
Relevance of witticism: somewhat marginal.
Construction of witticism: alliterative; the yoking of unlike ideas together; somewhat akin to that figure of rhetoric called by the ancients oxymoron.

Samuel said: So now I await Godsent consent, do I? Do I, hell!

Tone of remark: immoderate.
Nature of remark: irreverent.

Robert said: You surely don't expect a relationship born in the flush and roar of the waters to be furthered by poesy, do you?

Intention of remark: to ridicule Samuel.

Samuel said: Get your cheesebesprinkled corpus off my byourlady bed, then! You've got a byourlady cheek!

State of Samuel's feelings: wounded.
Purpose of remark: partly retaliatory; partly to change the subject; partly to avoid sleeping that night in patches of emollient cheese.

Robert said: And the Mummybear said "Who's been sleeping in my porage?"

Tone of voice employed: feminine, bearbaiting.
Quality of joke: fair.
State of status quo: stable.
Posture rapidly assumed by Samuel: minatory.
Speed of assumption: 19.735 ft/sec

Robert said: Promise to feed me soon, then.

Tone employed: mock-plaintive.

Samuel said: All right, then, just as soon as you stop feeding yourself on my bed.

Happy outcome: On these terms a truce was concluded, and the conversation reverted to the subject of Miss Deane.

Samuel said: What then must I do to be saved?

Literary influence on the last sentence: the King James authorised version of the Holy Bible.
Occupation of Samuel at time of speaking; preliminary preparation of a meal.
Nature of meal: rudimentary.
Constituents of meal, with costs: eggs, small, the dozen 3/-; bacon, scraps, the pound 9d.; potatoes, large, King Edward's, the quarterstone 8d.; pisum sativum, hardy climbing annual, the pound 8d.

Explanatory note regarding construction of partywall: of two layers of plasterboard, low grade, separated by battens two inches square, at either end; papered both sides in a dunbrown floral pattern wallpaper, the roll 1/11d.
Noise penetration factor of partywall: better than 80%.

Literary influence on last sentence: any one of the following deceased playwrights of the Elizabethan and Jacobean periods; the choice being left to the reader.

Fairness to the reader: the author feels it to be no less than a duty incumbent upon himself to state that he cannot recommend the choice of those playwrights above whose names are followed by asterisks.

Stage nom reached in meal preparatson: crucial; Samuel had four pans and three gasjets.
Date of manufacture of gas-stove: 1884.
State of Samuel's mind: calmly agitated.
Note, explanatory of asterisked hiatus imminent: Samuel being thus occupied with culinary matters, and Robert with thoughts anticipatory of the results of Samuel's occupation and being careful lest his expectations be disappointed through disturbing Samuel, the conversation languished, and, hardly mourned, died.

Time: Twenty-three minutes after one in the morning.
Phase of the moon: in the third quarter.
Characters: Miss Deane; Samuel; fourteen ducks; two swans; seven cygnets; sundry small waterside creatures of the night; pennypigs, a shillingsworth; God, too, for those who would rather not be without him.
Location: the north bank of the Grand Canal, Dublin.
Direction ofmovements: Liffeywards, as regards Miss Deane and Samuel; stationary, as regards the birds; hither (and, probably, thither) as regards the waterside-dwellers; poundwards, as regards the pennypigs; in a Mysterious Way, as regards God.
Descriptive setpiece, of a lyrical, romantic nature: it is always wonderful to live near water of any kind, whether it is sea, or river, or lake: but to live near a canal! That is the summum bonum! The nearly still waters clear and deep, with long bright streaming weeds swaying gently; the shallow Ilow of water over the top of the lock boiling into leafgreen foam twenty feet below; the banks so broken and irregular in the canal's neglect; the variety of the plants which flourish amidst this decadence; and the swans and wildfowl that grace the silent surface. And the locks! The locks, great narrow tunnels under the backed bridges, shaded and sombre, quiet and mysterious, calm and religious in their disuse. And the boys who fished for roach. . . .
Quotation from FISHING IN IRELAND: "Roach are not found in Ireland except in one southwestern river system, into which they were artificially introduced in the late nineteenth century. Confusion often arises, however, amongst those ignorant of the fact that rudd are called roach in the Emerald Isle."
Descriptive setpiece (continued). . .. by the old wooden swinging arms of the locks! Samuel had watched in the clear water the tiny redfinned fish actually biting the breadpaste, had watched for hours boys at their sport with the crudest of tackle. Perhaps once a week a barge would pass through, a great event, drawing all the passersby to watch it. And Robert and Samuel had watched the lock-keeper then at his work, and many other times had talked with him, and drunk with him.
But if by day the canal was a wonderful place, at night, when everything about it turned grey and silver and black under the moon, it was unsurpassed in loveliness. End of setpiece.
Purpose of nocturnal perambulation: to take advantage of the romantic nature of the canalbank to persuade Miss Deane to forget her religious scruples for an hour or two.
Machinations felt appropriate: Samuel carefully selected an act (sometimes called, by others, a line or ploy), from amongst his considerable repertoire of acts, built up by hard experience in amatory warfare.
Act chosen: Number 7, Mark III, the Celtic Variant (the Whyshouldn'twesinceherewearethrowntogetherpassingshipsinthisCeltictwilightoflife?)
Number of times act employed hitherto: 47.
Percentage successes:

Site chosen for staging of act: a canalside bench, of the wooden variety, two reinforced concrete ends, providing comfort of minimal quality; specially designed to discourage lengthy periods of residence.

Reaction of Samuel: discouragement; regrouping of forces; quick reassessment of campaign; current act abandoned as a failure; new act quickly chosen.
New act: Number 2, Mark IV, suitable for all Nationalities (The Sweepheroffherfeetwithpassionateembracessothatshecan'tthinkquickly enoughtosayNoagain.)
Number of times act employed hitherto: 113.

Percentage successes:

Note on act Number 2 Mark IV: a very crude act, mainly employed by Samuel in his early youth; the fact that he felt compelled to resort to it on this occasion is remarkable evidence in support of those who maintain, with some justification, it must be said, that Dublin and Guinness had had an unsettling by rejuvenating effect upon Samuel, and that his character had taken a most unexpected turn for the better, or for the worse, depending which way you looked at it.

Site chosen for act: the area of concrete aggregate immediately in front of the seat.

Reaction of Miss Deane to act: alarm; initial surrender; rapid rallying; freeing her left arm, Miss Deane pushed Samuel away with it; thus freeing her right arm, she struck Samuel hard on the side of the head.
Nature of blow:solid.
Emotion felt by Miss Deane during blow: anger.
Consequence of blow: Samuel half fell off the bench, lost his orientation, and sat down heavily on the canal bank with one foot in the water.
Reaction of Samuel: surprise; followed by prompt withdrawal nf foot from canal; admiration.
Sounds in Samuel's head: rings and buzzes.

Samuel said: Miss Deane, Bring forth Men-Children onely;/For thy undaunted Mettle should compose/Nothing but Males.

Source of quotation adapted for the occasion: MACBETH, Act I, Scene VII.
Text consulted: First Folio, 1623.

Miss Deane said: Oooooooh!

Tableau: Samuel sitting still; quietly dripping.

Samuel said: And that was all the farewell when I parted from my dear.

Literary source of last sentence: A. E. Housman, poet, scholar, shaver.

Samuel said: And so farewell, Miss Deane, faithful spinster of this priest-overrun parish.

Scene of the above statements: O'Meara's Bar, Rathmines.
Description of O’Meara's Bar, Rathmines:

The Stews,
Grubles Street,
Wicklow,
Wicklow.
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your esteemed order of 24th inst., for the supply of one description of licensed premises, Irish, situate in lowermiddleclass district of Dublin. We have great pleasure in submitting the following which we trust will meet with your every requirement:
Brick-built premises; on a corner site; just over fifty years old; outer paintwork red in colour, with gold lettering on facia; all grilles, shutters, etc. necessary for the strict observance of the licensing laws constructed of steel, and in a rigid manner; an added attraction are the genuine bullet holes in the woodwork behind the counter, a proof of the part the premises played in the Trouble; complete with not more than three barmen, of whom at least one will be certified to be a "character";, steady clientele, no tourists; accommodating local Gardai; unusual offices; silver-topped pump handles; grocery trade section well supported; own stout bottling equipment (crown cork); thirty-one partially worn barstools; eighteen glass-topped tables with appropriate sets of chairs; the whole a very desirable property from a literary point of view.
We look forward to receiving your favoured remittance within the next few days. Assuring you of our best attention at all times,
We beg to remain,
Your obedient servants,
Kenny & Knight (signed)
Fact-finders to Literary Ladies and Gentlemen
Irish Atmosphere Our Speciality.

Time the farabove statements mere made: just before the Holy Hour.

Robert said: Tough. It seems one has to chose between the irresistible and the unresisting.

Tone of voice employed: laconic.
Immediately subsequently: Samuel turned back to his barbook without replying.
Title of Samuel's barbook: THE ASSASSIN, by Liam O'Flaherty.
New Arrival: Just at that moment who should come in but Mick the Lock-keeper, on a spell of joint offduty from his two jobs as keeper of the lock and porter of the hotel opposite the lock, seeking to quench his thirst before the drought of the Holy Hour set in.
Number of fingers on Mick the Lock-keeper's right hand: three, to which must be added one thumb.
Digit deficient: index.
Cause of deficiency: a steel hawser of almost too human malevolence.

Mick the Lock-keeper said: Hallo, Robert and Samuel.

Tone of greeting: warm.
Calefaction of greeting: 90° C.

Samuel said: A small one for Mick.

Person addressed: the barman.

Mick the Lock-keeper said: Thanks. The Powers and the glory. To you, boys.

Tragic development: No sooner had Robert and Samuel and Mick the Lock-keeper toasted one another than their conversation was interrupted by the clangorous groan of the steel doorgrille announcing that those citizens who were desirous of obeying the law should leave forthwith.
Short discussion of Irish licensing laws:

Position of letterbox: 4’7" above the top step.
Type of letterbox: long, narrow, scarcely practical; the short side horizontal; missives despatched therein incarcerated on verso in rectangular box of wooden construction.
Contents of box on day under consideration:
(i) For Miss Deane: a pastoral circular warning her to make sure that there were adequate facilities for following her religion in any country to which she might be thinking of emigrating; an invitation to avail herself of Curran's Kleenkid Nappy Service; and a letter confirming her week's booking at Butlin's Irish Holiday Camp in a month's time.
(ii) For Robert: a slightly obscene personal letter from Peewee Placent, a college friend; two letters from rival cornchandlers, touting; and a letter from his mother, promising to send him a food parcel the next day.
(iii) For Samuel: a final demand from a library for a book borrowed some six months previously; a passionate letter from a late lover, saying she had made a mistake and asking if Samuel would forgive her; a badly-taken suggestion that his Life could be Transformed through reading the Rosicrucian pamphlet ETERNAl. TRUTHS FROM ANCIENT LANDS.

Magnanimous gesture: the reader is offered a choice of endings to the piece.
Group One: The Religious. (a) The quickest conversion since St. Paul precipitates Samuel into the joint bosoms of Miss Deane and Mother Church. (b) A more thorough conversion throws Samuel to the Jesuits. (c) A personally delivered thunderbolt reduces Samuel to a small but constituent quantity of impure chemicals.
Group Two: The Mundane. (a) Samuel rapes Miss Deane in a state of unwonted elation. (b) Miss Deane rapes Samuel in a state of unwonted absentmindedness. (c) Robert rapes both of them in a state of unwonted aplomb (whatever that may mean).
Group Three: The Impossible. The next post contains an urgent recall to England for (a) Samuel (b) Robert (c) both; on account of (i) death (ii) birth (iii) love (iv) work.
Group Four: The Variable. The reader is invited to write his own ending in the space provided below. If this space is insufficient, the fly-leaf may be found a suitable place for any continuation. Thank you.